1995 Aug. Sweet baby Jason is born. I watched the doctor unwrap the cord wrapped around his neck three times as he came into the world.
1998 February Creating memories… Me and my special grandson. He is two and a half and crosses the yard with his short little legs… sometimes with clothes and shoes on and sometimes without… “Gaggy, Gaggy, Gaggy, hi how are you,” in his sweet little voice. “I’m fine how are you”… and on the conversation would go. Sometimes we “crazy dance,” in the RV and sometimes we read or eat or drew pictures and played letters. I love him so. His eyes speak words without sounds. He can’t say Grammy so he calls me Gaggy and we let him.
May 16 Saturday Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I have been wanting to write down all the hundreds of things I have to do to survive. I don’t have enough energy to work and earn money as a result. I started walking three weeks ago to maintain my weight. I was headed for 160 pounds, now I have stabilized at 154 and that only with walking five times a week. Today I must finish copying and scanning Jason’s first books that I am making and printing for him.
Then I will make two more letter puzzles for him. Thirty years ago I had to make sandpaper letters to teach my three-year-old daughters and now, I again am making letters for three-year-old Jason. I have a special talent to be able to teach three olds to read. I want to make a video of Jason playing basketball and making all the baskets, doing a 25 piece puzzle that I made for him and his cute singing. Then I can concentrate on my new Mac and get my email working maybe.
1998 July I recognize the value of changing my thoughts in my life and know first hand that it is a good ability to have. I love caring for little Jason, teaching him to read, swing, bat balls and play in the mud. I put him to bed at night when Mom is at her class, I cannot sing to him, but when he misses her and cries, I teach him how to change his thoughts. He learns this well and I rub his back,’till off he goes to sleep.
1998 December Jason has the cutest of expressions with his hands. He sings with my microphone and loves to hear himself. He learns letters with my wooden letter puzzles that I made with my new scroll saw. He wants to call me Grandma, asks for permission and then spends many Gaggy’s correcting himself to Grandma. He doesn’t always greet me with joy and this saddens me, but I love him so very much.
Wanting very much to eat fresh eggs from my own chickens, I bought two chicks now in the living room in a large cardboard box with a lightbulb inside for warmth. I got to thinking how much Jason would love to hold and pat a soft bunny. I thought back to my teen years on the farm when I loved my grey mommy bunny Pauline, that mated with my brother’s black and white “Dutch” bunny. I decided to start a bunny family for myself and Jason to enjoy.
I’d so love to be living on a farm with lots of animals. I now have a sweet velvety soft white bunny I call Heidi. I love building a double hutch for her future family. I haven’t built a rabbit hutch since I was fourteen on the farm in Maine. Talk about multiplication, just four or five weeks after Heidi had her first litter, she produced again! I could hardly believe it.
Needless to say Jason got his fill of loving all her babies. One day we bring several babies in to the living room and put them on a blanket to explore. Jason was visibly delighted.
2000 September and Jason starts kindergarten. I pick him up after school at the school bus stop along with neighborhood kids and we all walk home together. I do a lot of videotaping of Jason and his friends playing basketball, riding bikes, playing swords and singing on the porch. It is a fun time for me.
May 2 Just got back from Pam’s. Poor Jason called and said he couldn’t find his Mom so I headed over. When I get back, I notice the living room feels so empty. The sound of the door closing sounds just like an empty house…any empty house, not mine especially. I sold my chest today, nothing left to sell. I’ll disconnect the phone tomorrow. Katie wants me to make friends with her cat that I’m going to take care of while she’s gone to Europe. I’ll start Saturday.
Katie and I take Jason to buy a mother’s day gift. It will be hard for him to keep it secret for a week.
May 11 I am writing by candlelight in my RV. Did a bunch of errands including getting a trip list from AAA of things to see and routes to take on my journey north next month. Went to the dump with my RV and took Jason. Helped him wrap his Mom’s present. Went to Katie’s and did some laundry. Filled my water tank, went to Pam’s for Mother’s Day dinner. She made delicious turkey burgers and a peach pie.
October 2004 Pam really wants me to come and take care of Jason so that she and Bob can go to Hawaii. They have plane tickets already for early in October. I reluctantly agree but it means I must rush the building of my studio to get to a place where I can leave everything for the winter. I drink soda every afternoon for the caffeine effect to keep me going strong, when normally I would just rest when I am tired and get naturally energized again.
October At Pam’s, waiting to go pick up Jason from aftercare, I feel empty like a shell scraped clean of all that was once alive inside. My face feels heavy. I know my mouth is sagging greatly at the corners. I slowly walk the short distance over to the school to pick up Jason. That is the highlight of his day I found out, being brought home. “Can I bounce my basketball?” He asks and I nod yes. “Which gate do you want to go out of?” He asks next. I say, “Whichever one you want.” I walk slowly behind him and he practices his basketball bounces between his legs. A sophisticated, talented nine year old, I think to myself.
Inside the apartment we gradually work our way to the table to finish homework. Hands clean, pencil in hand he begins. “Doing multiplication is fun and division is fun to,” he says. I am anxious to take credit for his expertise. “that’s because I kept making you memorize your multiplication tables, huh.” He’s already engrossed on finishing the math facts paper and I sit looking over the papers he brought home.
I have no sense of urgency tonight. He is hungry and wants to eat. I cut up two oranges and he stands over the sink eating them the new way I taught him last week, using his bottom teeth he pulls all the fruit off of the skin. Now he wants the left over macaroni and cheese he spies in the fridge. I bargain with him. “Take 10 minutes and see if you don’t feel less hungry. He goes back to the facts paper. I make his dinner. I am not hungry so I forego the usual plan of eating together and chatting about the day. Mom calls, she’s due back tonight and they have a conversation while he eats his meal.
It is almost 8 before I say, “go take your shower and make it a quick one.” “Why,” he wants to know. “Because it’s past your bedtime.” “No, it’s not,” and we discussed the routine we had of being in bed at 7:30 and read till eight. “Oh, yeah” he replies and heads for the bathroom. It’s 8:30 by the time he gets out of the shower. Mom comes in the door, saying, “Where is my remote? I’m sick of not having it in my room.”
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